It's been a funny week and I'm not sure where my head's been at. Work has been quiet and not so quiet at the same time and I feel like I have too much on my mind these days. I'm going back to New York in a couple of weeks time and all I want now is to just fast forward until then. Tomorrow I am off to London - home for the weekend and it's the only thing that's really been keeping me going. I've had to have a couple of pep talks today alone from Suk and then on the phone with Paula and ohmygod I just really can't wait to be home.
As it turns out, an unlucky Friday the week before does not lessen the blow of the upcoming Monday. I let myself recuperate with a quiet weekend and then back at work we were all still in a state of shock and heartache for Paris. I emailed my Paris Mumma, who I stayed with for the couple of months I was interning there last year, and thank god her reply was almost instant - she was safe, her relatives were ok and her daughter was on her way home. My short-lived life in Paris was so hard and I still feel I owe so much to the people who had helped me through it. I remember the night I completely broke down, only one week in, and I came home from work and Christiane asked me if I was ok because I hadn't been able mumble more than a "bonjour" and "bonsoir" to her all weekend. I was so scared to cry in front of her because it meant that everything I was hurting over was real. And I remember she told me that in those moments she was not my lodger or my friend but she was my mother and that she understood my heartbreak and how important it was to let myself feel it. And so I still cried after her email; still hurting for the city that I once loved and hated all at the same time and for the people who had taught me so much.
At 12pm the entire building emptied out of the nearest exit and we held a minute silence outside for the weekend tragedy. I stood at the back and teared up again and I couldn't help but feel stupid wondering about if I was feeling happier in general that this wouldn't have affected me so much.
It's been a pretty ok week from then on and things are picking back up again. I'm thinking this is just something I'll get used to - the up and down of work flow and emotional states. It seems to be taking a longer period of adjusting to but perhaps it's just a culmination of realising that ohmygod I am living in the middle-of-nowhere Spain trying to learn a new language and make new friends and live my life and on top of everything, making the most of this step up on my first attempt at an actual career!!
I've been sketching a lot this week and plugging myself in to my music so that's kind of helped at lot at work. When I'm drawing I listen to all those tragic songs that everyone associates with as a guilty pleasure or in most cases just plain wrong. It makes for my musical taste not so tasteful, I know but whatever, it's whatever works, right? I haven't listened to any radio since I moved out here so I kind of feel like I'm in a hole when it comes to finding new music. The only songs I hear about are the ones going viral on Facebook so naturally that gives me Adele and Justin Beiber. Ok maybe that's not so bad because I already love them both.
Mumma and Pops are in Hong Kong now. Last week they went to Japan with their friends and Sab and I were subjected to daily photos of every meal they ate there being messaged to us without fail. It might have been the highlight of my day to see them both dressed up in kimonos for dinner but all the cutest sushi sets and dessert spreads made me want to get up and leave. I showed Carlota and she said that Mumma was so cute because it's the exact same thing I would do, sending all my food photos to whoever wasn't with me. I want to say that it's the Yam's way of saying 'I wish you were here' but I heard this trait runs in a lot of Asian families too. This was the first time they'd both gone away together, without me and Sab, to somewhere new that we would have loved to have gone to all together if we had the money and the time. So maybe I was feeling a little homesick, missing them even more for this period. Except that Elin pointed out that I wasn't even at home to miss them. But Mumma called me in the afternoon last Thursday to say that she was at the airport in HK waiting to board their flight to Osaka and after she hung up I felt my mood plummet almost instantly.
It's funny that, isn't it? Because I talk to Mumma and Pops and Sab every single day, at least via messaging if not a phone call - these days we can't always fit in Skype together at the same time. I've been so used to us all being in a different place or country or time zone to each other but I've never felt like I do now. Like hearing their voice through the phone or a computer screen isn't quite enough anymore. It doesn't always make me feel better anymore. Sometimes it's worse. And I think for the first time in so so long, I cannot wait until I am home for Christmas. Until we're all home, again.